A Beautiful Experiment, But An Ugly Product

Mr Hudson

“Sometimes good men do bad things, just as bad men can do good”
“Tell me which way you like it.” 

The ability to detect beauty and appreciate it never always means it is a good thing. Most of us have been brought to understand that everything we do has to be for another; a good deed can only be validated when you do well to others. Hence, it may almost not matter if the other deserves it or not; human beings can be so unconditional, yet blind.

There are probably two types of people in this world; reality people and fantasy people. Along the process, I was a fantasy person caught up in my own moment and crossed the line to think my fantasies would work in my reality. You can never be both, but you can choose to be one and always switch it over again when you need to. If all fails, take a cue from a pageant winner.

In the matter of time, I will step into a new dimension, of fresh hopes and dreams. It is like choosing a good durian. A king of fruits that is only found in Southeast Asia, it possess yin-yang qualities; it can be like a porcupine keeping prey away with its sharp thorn or its delicious flesh could linger a joyous and incomparable sensation on your tongue. Could it really be sunrise surprise for me tomorrow?

Your happiness, its cycle and this very moment now. Run it, live it, breathe it; we do shit, we suffer but we are not even an inch closer to death until The Almighty above states it, yes? Then fight, even a losing battle. Because if He brings you to it, he will bring you through it.

And sometimes, trying is not a need, but just the desire to do.

Where Did Your Heart Go Missing

Madonna

“And I’m not sorry.”
“It’s human nature.”

 

 

There are many dangerous people out there in this world; there are those who love you with their hearts, and there are those who love you with their minds.

I have two heavens; one of my fantasies, and one in my reality. A wise man told me last night, that once in a while, you just need to get out and re-visit the one place that makes you feel alive. Heaven is where love breathes and breeds. Heaven is close to the purest hearts of these great souls. But time and time again these hearts are always miles away from me. I have never visited them for a long time, but they never stopped knowing how to see through me. I must admit that I have been quite ignorant, but I have never forgotten; I was probably afraid to face them with my mask. Because that is never the way they should see me.

But again, I have executed three major revolutions within the past seven days. In the beginning, it felt like strawberry ice-cream at room temperature but eventually the film rolls of my encounters brought me back to have homemade hot chocolate with colourful marshmallows in my nice re-vamped bedroom. White signifies purity and soul-cleansing, White means my Hello Kitty massager will fit perfectly on my ass against the random walls, and White also means during these festive period, I would be constantly reminded to get sick of the colour (although I learnt in arts school that White is not a colour, nor does it even apply to the term), to stay away from it wholeheartedly and avoid relatives prompting me to get my white dress ready. Oh well, it won’t be ready in the near future, and no further queries please.

I finally re-shuffled the music in my player; I am done with my mini phases of genres and it is about time that I tune into my fine station once again. My dear cartoon son whispered to me in my sleep a few hours ago, “…that the less you listen to others, the more you listen to yourself.” Then I viewed my card today; the ‘Nine of Chalices’. I was gifted with contentment, hence I take full pleasure and pride in the new order I have created by clean sweeping my ‘danger’ clutter and I will honour only what has meaning.

Thus, I am so gratified by expressing what is close to my heart, and in sharing my happiness like a buffet of joy.

Who’s going to stop me now?

The World Is Madagascar

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
“You’re so young.”
“Only on the outside.”

Be careful what you wish for, because you’ll never know how much something means to you, until it is really gone. I had prayed for the world to be a better place, and perhaps that had contributed into the country’s concurrent practice of road-sweeping and plant-watering on our land these days. And then it annoys me. 

I have been following up with my Tarot readings on Facebook simply because I have gotten too anal from people giving me opinions about my life. Did anyone watch Madagascar? My boyfriend illustrated that while the lion and zebra were great friends, when they were stuck in the jungle one day, the lion was still more than eager to eat the zebra in the end. He was right. It is a survival world out there, and a good heart never counts.

 

So there was the dance production held at the restaurant recently. Dang, it was a hell lot of work. Well, of course if you actually did any work at all, you would have your face all dolled up waiting to be thanked in public. Not. I had my shoes off, sat with both feets on my seat with a lighted cigarette. Half of my fake eyelashes were gone, and I think I did not wash my hair for two days; it smelt of the smoking area at our backyard and Spicy Beef Rendang from the kitchen. I simply told the gang that I was too tired, and needed to get home right after work, just to avoid seeing anyone.

 

Reluctantly, I hid my pure heart in my pocket, refusing to feel with it or I would never good to myself. Well, what can one do when he or she feels like there is this stained mark on his or her destiny? Like strong currents from the Sea of China, (an Indian man once told a very close confidante of mine), why go against it when we are all transiting to nowhere? Just let it float you to shore, because you’ll always find new meanings to any new destinations anyway.

 

Plant-Pruning & Litter-Picking My Chick-Flick Life

John Mayer

Sometimes I wish that I was the weather and you would bring me up in conversation forever; when it rained, I’d be the talk of the day.

Before anything, hell yes, I do feel the utmost guilt for abandoning this little baby. Blame it on the alcohol, says Leco Raphyal Riany.

Like a fresh zest of Iced Bacardi Lime, I came out with a big ‘Kkrrrrrringggg’ and I guessed that should settle everyone’s complaints on my MIA-ness for the past few months. Waking up early in the morning today smelt like a French Kiss, until my regular dosage of Vodka Sprite; it illustrates my great annoyance towards the people I encounter in public transports on the way to work. That’s why I prefer walking, with heaps of alone time with myself. It brings me painless pleasure just strolling to my yellow mansion under the bright blue skies; my ultimate Pina Coladas. But then again you may ask about the office? My answer would be a Tequila Shot, but without any lemon slices at the end.

I was more than convinced that I was back on track, when I naturally started saying grace before my meals and conducted bed-time prayers with my lighted fags. It may be a slow progress, and that’s because my OCD could be my biggest hindrance. I promised my Hello Kitty that when the shelves are up, that would be the cherry on top of her Iced Pineapple Rum. Yes, this loser needs her books in proper order before she starts dusting her mini couch.

This is a swift realization on my greatest flaw during those nasty weeks. I had focused too much on the unnecessary lines of weaving, while I had ignored the big landscape of the carpet. It was my own bad gulp of Peletok when I disconnected myself from the other positive channels of my life. The best hugs always came from genuine friends who would risk their self-interests and motives for you, let alone fight for you even when you least expected it. So if you do not fancy Baileys, stick your own bottle of Asahi, because no one’s stopping you but yourself.

Thus several girls of my own Hedsor Hall have returned their pearl necklaces at my indiscernible command. And as much as it hurts the shit out of me, I have learnt that friendship should never be a one-way ticket, but a round trip together in paradise. Talk about sisters before misters, girlfriend.

Except when I thought I got everything back together, I pee-ed in bed again on one of my poor children yesterday. Now that just means that I have had awesome sleep, along with a plentiful of Multiple Screaming Orgasms from my pre-sleep wanking session.

Who wants breakfast-in-bed with me now?

It’s My Remix, Baby

Miss Regulations

“It makes me so sad that people who have lost everything

can still be open to love, while I, who has lost nothing, am not.”

 

 

Somehow, I don’t find perfections in other people’s imperfections. That video was a propaganda. And before anyone slams me on this, I did not mention that propagandas do not make any sense, though.

 

An ex of mine at many instances had told me that he was grateful that I had always been able to find the best in him. Thus, in any situation, he would constantly push himself to portray the most perfect side of his abilities, in the most genuine manner. Little he knew, that it had hardly affected me, instead he did great for himself, for his own life. Now, that is what a real partner is made of.

 

The bare point is, love was the best thing you are truly made of. And you knew it yourself, thus when you give the best of your love fully, you always lose, whichever way. The best of things don’t last, when they actually do. And the one person who is able to sustain this, becomes the most perfect person in my life, all in the name of love, and that’s what my life is worth living for. I know I am always open to love, but losing again will break my soul. You have seen it, like I have seen you, Miss Hamsam.

 

Remember the first honeymoon; the first date when you wore your best dress, your first homecooked meal when you were preparing it for him/her, the things you said for the first impression when you lovebirds first communicated…the goosebumpy and awkward first kiss? I simply listen to ‘our’song when I am furious, and it always makes everything better.

 

Listen deeply to Glenn Lewis. In one of my favourite tracks, he sang, “I want to spend time till it ends, I want to fall with you again, like we did when we first met.”

 

And it has been a bliss sharing my love with you.

Let’s Take A Bow to 10

Hayley Williams

“We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves.”

“I can’t win your losing fight, all the time.”

 

 

Waxing is the best post-dismissal remedy. I got bored from entertaining today and had decided to be entertained by my own lame stupefaction instead . It was an excruciating experience, seeing how I had lost total control (in the hands of a hot chick). I had been pretty much used to doing things my way, on my own. I strongly suppose that one’s personal hygiene is up to every individual’s comfortability level. Can dirty-talking to my clitoris be part of the service please? I said ‘please’. It simply means it is also up to me, if I would like to sustain my bad habit of nose-digging (and flicking them at my dear friends).

 

The Associate was being his cute self too. He had told me to close my eyes and count to three at the foyer. When I did as he told and turned, DAMN (Tila Tequila’s style); I was right infront of a genuinely-fresh-from-a-rich-ass, Mazda RX8, and my heart just froze while my imagination went through the out-of-this-world orgasm. Hello Pebble Beach, with my kickass Hello Kitty accessories, Osaka Style. My taste always makes this world a better place. The gang would normally roll their eyes to stuff like these, but I know they are proud to love me (and my kids) very tenderly.

 

Last weekend was a therapeutic getaway, because I had a fabulous half-awake cooking extravaganza. My neighbour was being an ass-crack for not helping me out at the supermarket, but with all the enthusiasm I naturally acquired, I managed to dish up a pleasant plate of ‘Warm Penne Bolognese with Panfried Honey Chicken Fillet smeared with Funky Herbs’. It made smiles out of big hairy and non-hairy bellies.

 

Sleep is not going to be easy tonight, as my heart races to the beats of the clockwork. But I am buying fancy pieces of cherry cupcakes with three colourful candles for my children. I know I have been a posessive mother, but it’s real love you don’t know about, and no one can stop me.

 

Happy Birthday little darlings, it has been close to a year now.

For The Record

Britney Spears

“I had let in a certain number of people in my life, which were bad people, and I was guarded at first. But then I got to a point where I ended up letting them in, because I was lonely and whatever the fact.”

“………………..”

“And I already paid the consequences for that, and big time.”

“But I feel like I am having to pay for it for a really long time.”

 

 

 

So I am an uncontrollable firehouse, or perhaps a water fountain aye. The energy that comes out from my mouth definitely needs a person with a huge energy to sustain it. Or maybe you can be the one visiting me at the airport transits to exchange an idea or two. Just never wait me up at Vegas, because when I head there, you should know better that I will never come back.

 

I saw my children cry together for the first time. We shared the blanket for the past four cold nights, and the cloth was getting really smelly, the way I liked it. I also loved it when it rained so heavily they would creep under my braless top and it would warm my heart; no one would understand the bond between a mother and her children, imaginary or not.

 

But I have not spoken to my own mother yet, lately I feel so much guilt towards her, especially after knowing that she is suffering from a growth in her body, somewhere internal, somewhere that might not hurt now, but it is somewhere fatal. And her only bestfriend at home, my maid, is heading to her heaven very soon.

 

I think you were searching for something that you can never find, simply because you might have found it unconsciously, and then lost it along the way when you lost me. Plus, nothing’s ever coincidental when it comes to you, we know that very much, thank you.

 

I should get rid of my good weather friend now. Just like his playatte, he is only worth a pack of cigarettes.

 

Sadness is Cancer

Two Girls of Danity Kane
“I think you should not be afraid to like, let a good thing happen to you.”
“………..”
“I don’t want to hurt nobody, but I want to be happy.”

I realised that over time, my greatest weakness in life is the art of ignorance. I hate to not be able to ignore unnecessary issues, or people. “Because you loved with all your heart,” says Vegas. Funny how someone from the other end of the globe could think this way, and not those who sit with you for lunch every single day.

It was raining the whole day yesterday, so I scrapped swimming and decided to have full good sleep. I didn’t dream of anything, I had switched off my phone for once, and I didn’t pee in bed. The kind of rest I have been waiting for the past month, especially. The effects of my horrid faggings are starting to screw my stamina. Well, if I am dying soon, it just means I stand a greater chance of dying a virgin.

I am down for a revolution today. I think I have had enough of people making use of me and slurping on my gracious sweat of labour. Let’s just see how I capable I am, living up to my words. Over time, I learnt that God was doing me favour, because whatever happened in the past was hardly a test of my willpower, instead it showed me more true colours of the others and their self-concern. Because of that, I stayed away. Because I think it is time I let go. Because the sand is finer on the other side. Because you are starting to annoy me, a lot.

So this will be the beginning of my longing goodbye.

Pickles In My Whopper

The Majesty

“Just in case you need this, you’re a very special woman. Nothing can bring you down, not even yourself.”

 

But apparently, I feel more useless than a one-legged main in an ass-kicking competition. And no, I was not referring to Paolo.

 

For the past 8 months, life was a purple plasticine. It had been moulded and punched and stretched over and over again, but my matters remained. And so does my colour. Plus I miss being in heaven; okay that just means I have not changed, at all. Someone said the most meaningful thing to me today, “Remember, I am doing all these in the honour of you.” My greatest gratitude to this individual who sincerely cares. It made me proud to know I have made a great friend, and experienced a real man out of you. It is a gift for me, my mother and the group. Those papers with nasty dollar signs mean nothing to me, although it does mend my daily needs but I always feel like the richest girl in the world anyway, right? I have a rich husband with lots of rich children in the political world, hence my son, Achap, who is living in Mars with his eccentic wives and children.

 

Everything that happened in the past week was a good lesson learnt. It widen our sight to the possibilities of damage happening to even the best people you may ever know. Sometimes, during the most difficult moments, you become even more determined by those you can really count on, those you give you the reason to live, even if your own reasons can’t move you anymore. Some, like those who would have had a draggy day at work, despite knowing that she would head to court in a few hours, still stayed at the café to finish your school work with such fabulous results.

 

A blast from the past had just arrived today. He gave me happy orgasms. Happy orgasms come from having alone time with Miss White and The Horse over dinner, another random kopitiam breakfast with The Twin and his sweetheart, really long walks with Leco’s Papa, sappy long emails from Hamsam’s Mama, bimbo sell-ass sessions with Bffiatch and funky Fridays when I get to meet The Watagwaans. Soon, I am going to plan a threesome with Brown Eyes at his place, perhaps over pasta, whiskey and free flow of fags. Not forgeting my date with a Vodkadict and finally sneaking out of the zone again to heaven soon, soon, soon. I am back in the game, but I am staying away from the playa.

 

Now that’s me being me in the honour of you.