SIN-HEAVEN-SIN

Destiny

The kind from Satan, the kind from Jinn, and the kind from Allah

Two Fridays ago was the last Friday of my life.

But it was only the life I have been trying to dispose; the life I wished I never had, but had accepted anyway. Gazing back on the past months, I was reminded of the pain in 2006. After the severe ditch, I was down with chicken pox and within 3 weeks later, dengue had struck me as well; all this craziness in addition to my massive depression. Strange, I almost died, but I did not. I remembered wishing for death, praying for it more than I have ever prayed for myself, yet nothing happened.

So recently, a fine young man asked me, “Do you know who you are?” My usual self would have been, “Like do you?” While I felt it was pointless to attempt such a vague question, my leap of wonder strived to fulfill the probable enlightenment and significance that the interrogator had sought. Then in my mind, I down a shot of tequila. Oh no, perhaps a gun to my forehead. “I can’t really describe it, but I am almost there.” Now, that is who I truly am; always honesty above the ideals of life. At one end of the spectrum, he was Melanie, charging himself from zero, while my battery life was deteriorating from full to probably sixty percent. That’s what happens when I become reluctant to feel like just someone’s mental holiday. Yet, the greater good that had emerged from the whole conversation, was that I stopped talking too much eventually. I had died a slow painful death from the shot of his arrogance.

For someone who was frustratingly blaming with his ex for not being able to understand and embrace his life interests, I was surprised by how his impression towards success had seemed as conditional anyway. Common entitlement, honored recognition, stipulated achievements; the extreme black or white, like hair without frills, stern and straight like disgusting hard-on. Aspirations, to me, are justified by the significance of your sincere contributions towards making a difference in someone else’s life. Seriously, hasn’t anyone realize why all of us are placed in this world in a lump sum? Maybe, just maybe, we need each other, one way or another. Thus, it is only the manner of needs that varies. So, just a heed of advice to this man; life is not about overcoming challenges that you seek yourself, life is about overcoming risks that have been donned on you. Go figure that out first, before you try to figure me.  

Things have changed ever since I had conquered the Pondok. I heard that it used to be a jovial meeting point for people from various departments. However, during my very first whole month of work, I had sat there alone without a single soul passing by. Lately, everyday is a different encounter, a different conversation, a different feast – I am the official lunch whore. Despite the growing number of patrons recently, a seat for me is always available. Today, lunch was exceptionally momentous. I saw multiple packets of Nasi Padang, as all the crazy old chaps from my father’s generation, gather in harmony. The aura was splendid; of dirty vintage jokes, of men-associated gossips and the profound union of brotherhood. The Pondok used to be just a plain cemented lunch table at the alfresco area within my office, but now it has a detachable umbrella too. It is no longer a lonely hidey-hole, but a harmonious getaway towards a glimpse of delight at work.

And there you have it. I came back from my healing with only one purpose for the rest of my life; to serve happiness. I do not mind living it up as everyone’s McDonald’s Happy Meal, every single day. Hence, my core intentions, my decisions and my actions shall induce only that. But if my passion does not intrigue you, it shall not embrace you.

So, how can I make you happy today?

Same, Same But Different

Prince Henry in Ever After

In all my years of study not one tutor ever demonstrated the passion you have shown me in the last two days. You have more conviction in one memory than I have in my entire being.

Last week, I watched two meaningful videos repeatedly, over probably a thousand red velvet and white tulip cupcakes. Portia De Rossi (now Mrs DeGeneres) had shared her struggles with being gay, extreme anorexia and bulimia on Oprah, while Cheryl Cole (still Mrs Cole, nonetheless, somehow) had decided to give an ultimatum to the general public, in the form of a personal interview with Piers Morgan, about her private life. In the manner that Portia had written her book, ‘Unbearable Lightness’, she clearly illustrated how her sick mind had dominated her actions and views in life. Thus, the most fascinating factor was how she was very much alive, thus very much aware, of every detail and situation throughout her ordeal. It almost seemed like no drug or any magical antidote would be able to tarnish the inner voices that she had embraced so faithfully. As for Cheryl, who kept bursting into soft tears at every pause, I observed the most selfless, yet enduring honesty of a human being. Her misery lies in her own flare; she was born to brew love, show love, and spread love. I was amazed by how she had not realized how much she was being loved so genuinely by people, how her courage was greatly admired by others, and the compelling strength of her passion towards love. In overall, I have identified two individuals who possess beyond-supernatural powers; mind (Portia) and heart (Cheryl). I learnt that when your strongest power becomes your own worst enemy as your most inescapable weakness, you are indefinitely being suicidal to your own blessed soul.

Easy to please, but hard to impress; it never stumbled upon me, what a crazy mindfuck I have been to my past lovers. Although most human beings tend to fancy what they cannot have, now I only wish for I have been missing; all the lost opportunities that were taken away from me. Hence, it is going to be impossible too; because I will not perch on anything less, no way in hell (or heaven). Wow, I am actually turned on now – by my own self for being this outrageous.

One more passionate individual had left me in awe, only with such an unadorned silhouette of his existence. Thus, on the remarkable 4th of July, I had described another human being as ‘intriguing’ for the very first time. You see, I am naturally bountiful with sincere compliments but I have never depicted anyone as ‘intriguing’; because the last and only time the word had ever existed, was in my own Friendster profile (the ‘About Me’ section) where I mentioned, “…very intriguing.”

For this, I am going to mark my own words today; you are either going to be the nastiest heartbreak in my life, or the last person I ever loved this much.

And I desire to marry you, if Allah’s willing.

Quiereme Mucho

Stranger: Are you in a relationship?

Me: Indeed. A very, very, very long-distance relationship.

It is interesting how your wedding guestlist differs greatly in quantity; from one that you had made when you were probably fifteen, compared to the one today. The list just keeps getting shorter, and shorter, and shorter, and shorter. I even made a hilarious observation (to myself, that is); every new partner adds up your number of invitations, hence every addition to the ‘ex’ category means a bunch of unnecessary visitors to be filtered anyway. At this point, I am happy just having my mom, my stepdad, my sisters and my imaginary children present. As for everybody else, you have my upcoming birthday celebrations and housewarming parties to make up for lost blessing time.

I was searching for answers a few months back and darn, now I wished I had never wished for them. In life, there are some things, which are simply not meant to be said, exposed or shared; these unsolved mysteries should always remind us that nothing, absolutely nothing lasts in this world. Sometimes, it is best not to know, at all. But I have cheated this game all my life since you-know-when. It took me almost 25 years, to realize my unknowing addiction to borderless travelling, which normally emerges from individuals who often feel trapped or suppressed from their general being or surrounding. Thus, in every stranger I meet, comes an answer, of a different perspective, from a random medium of soul. Half-deliberate, and half-not; pretty much half-crazy like me.

Thus, if my current relationship was a T-Shirt, I would be wearing half of the world map. And yes, you can love more than one person at the same time. But you must be aware that each love differs in their own exclusivity, and you should never, ever compare each against the other. So this explains what a social circus I have been, of those who were lost, of those who inspired, of those who died, of those who loved, and the ones who got away. Let’s omit the one who never tried. Swaying along these endless hellos and goodbyes, I feel like I have been a mental-backpacker my whole life. So if Nic ever survives backpacking around the world with $5000 (and my towel), I would have still beaten him because all I had was my good heart – and look where I have been, yo.

But what becomes difficult, is when you have the plan, yet forever-waiting for the answer. As if you let me tell you all about Helsinki, when in actual, you know I have never been there. Then there are other things I wish I could tell you; things I do not know but can genuinely feel, like the most beautiful dream I had today, when I was travelling in you.

So if you asked me, where is the furthest I have travelled? My answer would be him, and him. And you have no freaking idea how bloody far, like really.

Sandwich Galore

Cheryl Cole

Looking back on it, I feel numb. We had a great marriage and a fantastic wedding day but I don’t know where it went wrong.

And so the massive stomach poisoning from my last full meal have made me snack alot these days. Somehow I was convinced that indulging in food, bite-sized or as a light snack would bring more joy than pain on the long run. I mean, we are talking about a variety of mini escapades, lessons and experiences; like an all-you-can-eat high tea buffet. Everything’s miniature and tastes sinfully sweet (pun intended).

I remembered how astonished I used to be towards the Macdonald’s ‘Chicken McGrill’.  I ate it every night and day; to me it was almost the perfect perk-me-up comfort food. It even made me feel more grateful than rice, as we all know that I live for rice; and no matter how often I ate, or whatever time it was, I could never forgo rice (how typical Malay of me). Because while the divine power of a sandwich was able to give me dreams that were out-of-this-world, rice always made me full enough to put me to sleep at night. And obviously no light or heavy snack can satisfy me like a full meal.

I was really talking about food. Really? Like really?    

A queer travel blogger, Nic from ‘5000project’ had shared with me about how and about his journey started a month ago. Among his constant mentions of his last shitty job, simple yet demanding Aussie lifestyle and his desires to do ‘something else’, the one mention that had struck me as most significant was the end of his last relationship. Honestly, I had wandered away amidst his blabber, not that he was boring me at all. Only something that dealt with his heart, could force him to greater desires, even from a random fantasy into an amazing reality, I thought. Who would have expected? Just over a month ago, I had run somewhere I least expected throughout these years, did all the opposites from what I had planned, and also fell into a brotherhood I never thought I would be proud of. In this case, one should never award limelight to the broken relationship. Instead, I choose to believe that my heart had simply been jerked-off so hysterically enough, it made me run like I have always desired.

So while this sandwich-ed heart hit a few bumps along its path to nowhere, I know there will come an excuse to run again.

The Move, The Proof, The Truth

Toby Martin in Youth Group

So many adventures couldn’t happened today, so many songs that we forgot to play, so many dreams swimming out in the blue, let them come true

Rebecca Logan

(Rebecca) I came here to ask you a question. Dale and I are doing this dumb thing, so I want to ask, ah, why exactly did you and I not work out? (Evan) Urm, we could not work because I blew it. You know, I screwed up, putting law school ahead of you. That’s something really hard for me to accept.

Captain John Paul Jones

(Teacher) Class is over, I am afraid you don’t have any time. (Cappie) But what is time? (Teacher) I see you’ve been paying attention. Okay. For your final, I only have one question; why? (Cappie) Urm, well, the first thing you ask us in the beginning of the semester was, why are we here? Well, I’ve thought about that, a lot. We all have a purpose. And ah, our purpose is to figure out our purpose. That’s what college is. So why college, why CRU? The truth is I chose CRU because a friend of my mine from camp is going here, then I chose to rush a fraternity and I made new friends and college has been everything I could ever imagined it to be. So, I kept thinking, why would I ever want to leave this place? But then I realize that there’s so much left to learn, and experience, and look forward to. And now I’m graduating, hopefully. And heading out to the real world with the love of my life who was my purpose. So, today, I’m here to graduate. And tomorrow, that’s hard to say because I have no idea where I’ll be.

Casey Cartwright

(Casey) So, where to? (Cappie) Wherever you’re going.

The Empire versus Jedi

Virginia Woolf

Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more

How many of us actually bother to text message the people we care for, upon hearing news about the recent wars, natural disasters and speculations on the world’s end? I know I did. Did I pray for Japan all over twitter? Never. Have I donated to their causes? Very little, because I have already been supporting two other non-profit organizations and my neighborhood mosque. Do I still complain about the rising living costs in my country? Duh, because I obviously paid to have a voice via my citizenship.

But the ultimate question is, if life is a cycle, then why are we slacking and buying time? The world’s most advanced country had been hit by their worst disaster to date, yet no one would simply turn to the first person beside them to say, “Thank God you are alive, and I am glad you are okay.” Not that I did it anyway. Instead, I had sent a mass email to all my colleagues the next morning to spread my love, as a gentle reminder for them to praise and embrace life. One extraordinary feedback was that one of them, who is a mother of two, replied that she was so touched that she shared her well wishes with her children and even slept with them that night. She had also told them to spread her well wishes in school. As part of my daily routine, I gently pat my own back and uttered, “I might have done something good today.” Simply how I love serving my life.

Once you have identified something you agree and believe in, it just sticks with you throughout your entire life by default. Maybe my thoughts became too far-fetched, when I explained that when you educate more than you cultivate, you’ll end up breeding more status/power demand, rather than sensible human beings who yearn for world peace. Upon browsing my primary school yearbook, I came to realize my school’s motto; loyalty and honesty. I kept banging my head thereafter because it seems to me that was all I remembered besides some other fond memories I cherished there. I had forgotten my teacher’s name, my favorite subject, the facilities layout, but those two simple words keep playing in my mind in the form of the school song. So despite my prolonged fair share of disagreements towards the city’s education system, I praised the school for my respectable turn-out and perspective, as these two elements have been the key attributes to the mould and expectations of my life. Hence, when being questioned about my past breakups, I would simply respond that my partners and I did not come from the same breed, that’s why. ‘The Best is Yet to Be’ turned out to be a broken promise, as I wonder why I still dated and hoped with ‘Beacons for a Better Tomorrow’ thereafter, and finally the one who ‘Strive for Success’ dumped me for perhaps someone better because success obviously does not guarantee satisfaction.

Plus, the latter evidently lacked of honesty and loyalty anyway.

The Pursuit of Beatitude

Cappie of Kappa Tau

It’s a cold world out there.  When the fire goes out,  it’s nice to know someone with a match.

 

I believe that the only way to free your soul is when the significant world is oblivious to your existence. Something like digging your nose vigorously when you are darn sure no one’s watching. Or like me, one crucial aspect of browsing in the supermarket would be using my sharply-sculpted nails to press deeply against cling-wrapped food packages. So if you see dented tofu or mini slits in between some fruits, you know I was there.

No one bought my crude honesty; I took a hiatus on writing because I wanted to read instead. I almost convinced myself that I would rather enjoy the music, than to be composing the notes. But what are the consequences of defying the role that you were meant to take? You lose the person you were meant to be. Thus, the twin of that would be losing your life altogether. The human mind works in the most eccentric manner of rebellion. Subconsciously, this manner constantly pushes us to create fairytales and fantasies out of experiences we wished we had.

As a result of our strong ability to fabricate anything to achieve our assumed satisfaction, we all become true cowards against reality. To a sum of individuals, I have been a coward. It seemed to anger the entire universe that I would not relent to meet my father. He was always a charm, an intelligent man with such skilful attributes. But one day, which eventually extended to a longest period of my life, he had given up his role as my father. There you go, the only answer to the world’s forum; my father became a coward. In all justice, I have the power to put him in his grave, but I never intended to give up my role as his daughter from losing him like that. Yet until today, he had never acknowledged or admitted what he did, except for a few generalized implications from our Lebaran gatherings. Thus for that, I was never able to see his face in mine; as I do not fear him, I just do not recognize that man.

Just the way I no longer recognize a few other familiar faces I had abandoned from my life, and one who had abandoned me. Maybe losing my existence in their lives will free their souls, like how losing you may finally free mine.

Wicked with a Capital W, All in a Life’s Gamble

G. K. Chesterton

Every act of will is an act of self-limitation. To desire action is to desire limitation. In that sense, every act is an act of self-sacrifice. When you choose anything, you reject everything else.

 

Trusting your instincts on people is always better than gathering invalid assumptions from others. Because when you trust, truth comes. Because when you lie, only temporary happens. Temporary can be as annoying as transacting 16 separate credit cards for 1 bloody bill on a busy Sunday brunch at the 5-star hotel; especially when you are the one processing the payment.

I almost felt like I was stranded at a scary brothel on my first day of work. I stared at her, as she grasped her brown handbag so tightly; her nervousness squeezed thick droplets of acid on her forehead like it was scarring her face. She bit her lips often, like she had so much to say but she had to force herself shut because she knew she was insignificant to the mafia. It made me feel horrible knowing the kind of job she was applying for, and the kinds of job that the mafia would presume suitable for her. I hardly agreed that she would be less effective for any task just because she does not own a resume.

Just when I thought I was going for a splendidly private smoking escapade, I was greatly interrupted by a 60-year-old baba (as he told me). I have never really spoken to such an astonishing elderly; a man so swollen with pride of such a low-paying, unfashionable job. He never takes a day off; he wholeheartedly breathes with his job and never got ill. He was so proud to be fit, although he never actually appeared on top form at all. He explained that his mother, the only family he was ever in touch with, had passed away at 90 just a few weeks ago. He had taken care of her for the past 16 years, and he admired the fact that she never died from any diseases; because he took care of her, of course. But then he became shy to continue the conversation when a breed of youngsters arrived; nobody could stand mere smirks of annoyance that I would rather waste my time corresponding with him. You look at it and you are so proud of it but everyone else just don’t get it, but I do, even if you never believed it.

During my re-instatement of friendship with someone I had greatly missed, she described the public speech she had given to some other 39 employees of the hotel during the orientation that I had missed. How would you see yourself in 5 years to come? Often people speak of power, wealth, happiness and even marriage; at least when you have reached the age of 25. To me, these seem to be just superficial and materialistic achievements that would be highly justified, only by the approval or honour of others. Honestly, I have never thought ahead of my life, planned my future or ever knew what I was going to be in 5 years. A disappoint to many, I can only hope, that in 5 years, I will own a beautiful kitchen of my own, a nice bed and plenty of housewarming parties for strangers to visit; to eat my cooking and rant joyfully about their lives. Then when I thought about it, damn, I do not actually mind living my whole entire life like that. Because simple desires always bring greater pleasures than other complex requirements and vague sacrifices of one’s ‘wants’.

Exactly in a month’s time, my music charm will be leaving for the victorious deed. That is another great loss for Lion’s City in a freaking year.

I wish my dear son was with me now.

The Duchess of Feces

Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill

I wonder whether any other generation has seen such astounding revolutions of data and values as those through which we have lived. Scarcely anything material or established which I was brought up to believe was permanent and vital, has lasted. Everything I was sure or taught to be sure was impossible, has happened. Where my reason, imagination or interest were not engaged, I would not or I could not learn.

 It is still hard to believe that it took me just to squat, to get my brown babies out of my intestines that morning. They have been around for quite some time you know. I laughed madly after the whole ordeal, realizing that possibilities exist in the courage of your own out-of-the-ordinary. You see, seating has been comfortable, but it probably has not been helpful. On top of that, having my feet on the ground has been scary; because in the end, when the lizards come by, I would have ended up in the squat position anyway, right? Absolutely.

The past one month in solitude became one of the most significant closures in my entire 24 years of my life. The additional months to 25 are still ‘under construction’. There is this saying, ‘I wish I could turn back time’. Well I found a loophole now – travel and backwards. Because while I have wasted the first 5 hours of my Saturday, it is still an early Friday in Africa. And it is not about buying time, its how you buy it.

I never cared for other seasons as what used to be in my world; it has been summer all the way. People often overlook the difference between a change, and an adaptation; if she says I am predictable, I’ll say I am just being true to myself and that is why it will always be summer. But if you ever miss summer, I truly apologise with a gentle reminder – summer is not a holiday for you.

 I wish I had good stories to tell, but I am busy writing tragedies. Won’t stop till its over, won’t stop to surrender.

3 Words for Heaven

Lady Caroline in Aristocrats 

 

“Are you influenced by your readings?”
“I suppose I must be…” 

 “…But what one enjoys in books, one may not practice in life.”
“Is that not the pleasure of books?”
“Books have many pleasures, as has life.” 
 

I was handed a fifty-dollar note a long time ago by a close friend – a sign of gratitude and congratulations for my achievement. The sensation was more rewarding than all the unglamourous secrets I had endured in my last job. Less seems more now, like low can feel high and even tiny breadcrumbs from a toast actually contributes to strong base of a delicious homemade cheesecake. 

I always receive pleasant surprises from Ms Cole. She was not only intriguing by just her stunningly soft and magnificent grace, but also beliefs and intentions. She has a strong soul, and she melts all the harsh creases of my worries when she speaks to me; of her constant souvenir of thought that Allah is always closer to us than we can ever neglect Him. 

So I quietly wondered of what could possibly occur in the next seventy-five days during my long sleep, would anyone know that I sleep with my eyes wide open; will I still be watching? Just how would one be able to rest as one knows that her loved ones have succumbed to be a part of depthless semblance of the devil? Well, it is all in the matter of choice, and to realize that sometimes the choice should not be my liability but people’s own. 

Thus my heart cries out to Brett Nelson as I watch him deserve his life-long prize, “…My life is not going to be the same, like I’m heading to a direction and I’m not looking back. Like I’m not going back to living in my car, I’m not going back to having more horrible roommates that kicked me out. I failed so many times, I couldn’t fail again. I mean you guy have all seen me like start, from like nothing. And have like my mess up with you, and my mistakes that I have done with you. And just like I don’t know what has taken me so long to like figure out what I need to do…like keep going. Growing up where I did, there were so many people that told me that I was stupid for having this big dream, but like look at me now, I am working for the top styling agency in the world.” 

It is going to be a good season for us too, I promise.